Fashion: it’s sarong

October 8, 2014 § 6 Comments

Can we just stop for a minute and talk about the fashion industry? Like, seriously? Have you ever stopped to think about how this industry actually works?

Firstly, there’s some weird illuminati trend-deciding shit going on. Who decides what’s going to be hot this season? Do all the fashion designers meet in some fabulous secret location to plot the next set of shows in Paris or Milan? Do they all cackle away behind their oversized sunglasses, cigarettes spilling ash everywhere as they come up with their next collective set of ideas?

It’s something that’s always fascinated me – that suddenly this item or that cut is all the rage, and “all the designers are doing it” – seemingly by magic. And then that’s it. Every fashion magazine performs free marketing services, all the shops follow suit, and all the sheeple rush out to buy This Season’s Must Have.

And that’s the second thing. What is wrong with you people? Where’s the rebellion? Surely this is the bossiest industry on earth. They tell us that this or that is on trend, so that’s what we all buy and dutifully wear. Says who? Who are these people and why do they get to tell me which clothes should hang in my cupboard?

Also, and this is where I take most offence, they are messing with our language. We don’t wear watches anymore. No no! They’re timepieces now. We’re awash in apparel and garments, when all we really want is clothing. And between the thneeds and the snoods and the culottes and the gilets, no-one knows how to pronounce what they’re wearing anymore, never mind having the faintest clue what any of those words mean.

And why the endless tinkering with trims and buckles and blingy things and ties and whatnots? Why must everything be decorated and branded to within an inch of its life? I just want some simple clothes: plain white shirts and T-shirts, well-cut jeans, a blazer, a couple of soft dresses that cling in the right places and some snuggly jerseys for winter. Simple, classic, plain… Why does everything have to be so complicated?

But actually, what I’d really love, is if we could make pyjamas the next big thing. Because, really, pyjamas are the pinnacle of good clothing design: they’re comfortable and they cover all the unmentionable bits. What more do you need? (I’m talking proper pyjamas here, obviously, not those scraps of lace held together by prayer alone. Sensible pyjamas, worn by sensible people.)

Everything else digs and pinches and shifts and slides and constricts and strangles and generally irritates me these days. Give us pyjamas as daywear, I say. Pyjamas are designed for people like us. People who are normal shapes and sizes, and who don’t know how to walk in high heels.

So if anyone knows where the designers hold their secret fashion illuminati meetings, give me a heads-up, and I’ll be over there in a flash to make my proposal. Incognito, of course. All I need to do is dress in black from head to toe, with appropriate eyewear and I’ll blend in with the crowd. (And that’s another thing – why don’t designers ever wear the clothes they send down the runways?)

There I’ll be, the very picture of understated je ne sais quois, nodding and smiling slightly, and adding a well-placed murmur here and there. And then, when they’re just about to pass a motion that high-waisted circular skirts are just the thing we need to break the monotony of low-rise skinny jeans, I’ll suggest my revolutionary plan.

You can thank me later, preferably with cash.


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§ 6 Responses to Fashion: it’s sarong

  • kobikwelu says:

    And that’s a another thing – why don’t designers ever wear the clothes they send down the runways?

    I have always asked this question. Why does no one wear those clothes on the runway?

    Well, i liked your article…Keep up the good work


  • Dave says:

    I tried to fashion a response, but then realised Miranda Priestly has already answered for me, as you question designer stuff: “This…stuff’? Oh… ok. I see, you think this has nothing to do with you. You go to your closet and you select out, oh I don’t know, that lumpy blue sweater, for instance, because you’re trying to tell the world that you take yourself too seriously to care about what you put on your back. But what you don’t know is that that sweater is not just blue, it’s not turquoise, it’s not lapis, it’s actually cerulean. You’re also blindly unaware of the fact that in 2002, Oscar de la Renta did a collection of cerulean gowns. And then I think it was Yves St Laurent, wasn’t it, who showed cerulean military jackets? And then cerulean quickly showed up in the collections of eight different designers. Then it filtered down through the department stores and then trickled on down into some tragic “casual corner” where you, no doubt, fished it out of some clearance bin. However, that blue represents millions of dollars and countless jobs and so it’s sort of comical how you think that you’ve made a choice that exempts you from the fashion industry when, in fact, you’re wearing the sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room. From a pile of “stuff.”

    I love Miranda.


  • Kit says:

    Having spent a couple of hours yesterday with both girls trawling the mall for plain T-shirts for me and T-shirts that they would want to wear for them, I totally agree on the bling and tacky messages. I eventually found what I wanted in Jet – plain T-shirts in a variety of colours that weren’t skin tight or a wide box shape (did that myself in the 80s) What slightly freaked me out was that for a comfortable fit I needed two sizes over what I usually wear at Jet and XL in the other cheapish store… so who are they making these for… stick insects? My 12 yr old had the opposite problem – too small for the adult sizes and the kids stuff is too kidsy. Sigh!


  • Check out Stella McCartney. She has made silky pj’s daywear 🙂 God knows how much it’ll set you back, but at least someone appreciates comfort! Ha! Great post.


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