Fashion: it’s sarong
October 8, 2014 § 6 Comments
Can we just stop for a minute and talk about the fashion industry? Like, seriously? Have you ever stopped to think about how this industry actually works?
Firstly, there’s some weird illuminati trend-deciding shit going on. Who decides what’s going to be hot this season? Do all the fashion designers meet in some fabulous secret location to plot the next set of shows in Paris or Milan? Do they all cackle away behind their oversized sunglasses, cigarettes spilling ash everywhere as they come up with their next collective set of ideas?
It’s something that’s always fascinated me – that suddenly this item or that cut is all the rage, and “all the designers are doing it” – seemingly by magic. And then that’s it. Every fashion magazine performs free marketing services, all the shops follow suit, and all the sheeple rush out to buy This Season’s Must Have.
And that’s the second thing. What is wrong with you people? Where’s the rebellion? Surely this is the bossiest industry on earth. They tell us that this or that is on trend, so that’s what we all buy and dutifully wear. Says who? Who are these people and why do they get to tell me which clothes should hang in my cupboard?
Also, and this is where I take most offence, they are messing with our language. We don’t wear watches anymore. No no! They’re timepieces now. We’re awash in apparel and garments, when all we really want is clothing. And between the thneeds and the snoods and the culottes and the gilets, no-one knows how to pronounce what they’re wearing anymore, never mind having the faintest clue what any of those words mean.
And why the endless tinkering with trims and buckles and blingy things and ties and whatnots? Why must everything be decorated and branded to within an inch of its life? I just want some simple clothes: plain white shirts and T-shirts, well-cut jeans, a blazer, a couple of soft dresses that cling in the right places and some snuggly jerseys for winter. Simple, classic, plain… Why does everything have to be so complicated?
But actually, what I’d really love, is if we could make pyjamas the next big thing. Because, really, pyjamas are the pinnacle of good clothing design: they’re comfortable and they cover all the unmentionable bits. What more do you need? (I’m talking proper pyjamas here, obviously, not those scraps of lace held together by prayer alone. Sensible pyjamas, worn by sensible people.)
Everything else digs and pinches and shifts and slides and constricts and strangles and generally irritates me these days. Give us pyjamas as daywear, I say. Pyjamas are designed for people like us. People who are normal shapes and sizes, and who don’t know how to walk in high heels.
So if anyone knows where the designers hold their secret fashion illuminati meetings, give me a heads-up, and I’ll be over there in a flash to make my proposal. Incognito, of course. All I need to do is dress in black from head to toe, with appropriate eyewear and I’ll blend in with the crowd. (And that’s another thing – why don’t designers ever wear the clothes they send down the runways?)
There I’ll be, the very picture of understated je ne sais quois, nodding and smiling slightly, and adding a well-placed murmur here and there. And then, when they’re just about to pass a motion that high-waisted circular skirts are just the thing we need to break the monotony of low-rise skinny jeans, I’ll suggest my revolutionary plan.
You can thank me later, preferably with cash.